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The #TotalHonestyTuesday Roundup, Vol. 48

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Every week, we’re participating in #totalhonestytuesday, sharing the things we’d usually keep off of social media, and giving a little more insight into our real (and very un-perfect) lives. Hopefully, in doing this, we can all feel a little less pressure to appear a certain way online, and remember that everyone around us is much more than just the highlight reel we normally see.

#totalhonestytuesday today was…shitty. just 100% shitty. I sat in my own self-loathing for a few hours. I stressed over my little mistakes, as well as my grand ones. I cried because my car is breaking down and probably on its last legs (and dammit, that car has been with me through A LOT). I questioned my worth, my brand, the persona I portray. Do I try to be as honest and transparent as possible online? Yes. Does that mean I'm truthful all the time? Absolutely not. I thought about my dad and cried again. Grief is like a twin you absorbed in the womb; you can't see them, but they stay in the back of your stupid mind. You remember them in moments you were not expecting. I browsed my social media and felt a weird combo of pride and hatred. For all these achievements, I still focus on what I lack. For all these poetry books, I think about how long it's been since I've been in a healthy and committed relationship. Life is this strange duality. I can be simultaneously my own biggest fan and critic. I thought about my best friend and that I don't even know if she knows how much I miss and love her. I touched my bicep and felt proud, then grabbed fat rolls on my stomach and felt disgusted. How can I be so many things at once? This adoration and trash feeling. I wanted to text someone. Decided not to. Decided to take silence as an answer because it is one. Today was a cluster fuck. But at the end, I went to the gym. I sweat it out. I sweat the hurt and the confusion and the joy. I let it all drip out. I took a shower, let the water cleanse everything away. These days exist and they are real and terrible and, very often, illuminating moments. Tonight, I will go to sleep looking at a photo of my favorite hero, my dad. I will take a deep breath. I will allow the grace of tomorrow. I will start anew.

A photo posted by Ari [B]eastman (@arieastman) on

#totalhonestytuesday just because you feel like 💩 doesn't mean the rest of your environment is

A photo posted by Yzzy Gonzalez (@yzzygonzalez) on

#totalhonestytuesday when you realize ur a cat lady, except with plants.

A photo posted by 🌴keisha🌴 (@keishasheesha) on

053116. A few weeks ago, I went hiking with my friend and got lost on our way back. The hike was pretty rough and tough. No flat ground. All rocks and boulders. The way was somewhat steep. It was an adventure considering that it was a new place for us and we didn't prepare for the hike. We did not even study the route beforehand. But being the "pros" that we were, we got to the top, stayed for a good half hour appreciating the view of the beach and the California Valley. Sweating our asses off under the sun in a 90 degree weather was totally worth it. I couldn't really tell where we went wrong but it took us a number of thorny bushes and unfamiliar paths when we realized that we were going back the wrong direction. I got shot by a cactus. We run out of drinking water. No matter how much I covered my body with my sweater and friend's body bag, my legs got tiny cuts from sharp bushes. Just when we thought we were finally getting to where we started, that was when we were actually moving farther away. The constant thought of poison ivies and rattlesnakes made matters even worse for me. It took a hard and long journey but we finally made it down. I can't say that it was a horrible experience. Yes I got scared. Yes I feared that we might reach the point where we must call 911. But I can't say that I didn't enjoy this adventure either. It's another story to tell my grandchildren. My life right now is a long trail of question marks. I am hiking this unfamiliar track. I am unsure where I'm stepping on. I do not know if the view on top would be worth it or a disappointment. At times I am confused. I am lost. But either way, no matter how hard and (cactus shots) painful it gets, I will keep on moving. Whatever's waiting for me, I trust that it'll always be for the best. And you know what they say, people who get lost always end up finding their true selves in the process. And they're the happiest and most satisfied. (A day late for #totalhonestytuesday)

A photo posted by Jenny Aguila (@aguilajenny) on

Share your own honesty next week, and join the conversation.

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