My Worst Post-Grad Realization (& What I’m Doing To Fix It)
I left a Bright Eyes vinyl record in my car last week, and it melted.
I was wrongfully disappointed, considering the fact that this was a stupid and entirely avoidable mistake –- my 23-year-old college-educated ass knows better than to leave something that can melt in a car parked in the sun on a 96-degree day, but I did it anyway, because ~YOLO!~ (and I was feeling too lazy to carry the record inside at that particular moment). But I was disappointed — that was my favorite record to listen to in college, sitting in my room, studying for some dumb test, feeling the angst of being 18 and bored and ready for something bigger.
I later brought the melted, warped record
Aside from the fact that I’d ruined a $25 record that I actually really loved listening to at some point in my life, the catharsis of placing its melted remains in the trash felt metaphorical. It felt like throwing away one of the final remaining bits of my college self -– the self that certified degree-holding Adult Mary really doesn’t quite feel like anymore.
I truly don’t feel anything like my college-self anymore, and I’m not sure whether or not that is a good thing. I’m not saying college Mary was without her flaws –- but she really wasn’t so bad. In fact, she had a lot of qualities that I truly wish post-grad Mary had. She had a lot of qualities that, only a few months out, I sort of feel myself losing.
College Mary –- while confused, a little angst-y, and high-key desperate for love –- had one quality I feel slipping away each day that goes by that I don’t step foot in a classroom: she was hungry for knowledge.
Simply put, in just the three months since I’ve graduated, I already feel a heavy loss of creativity, and honestly, I almost feel like my brain is hardly working anymore. My boyfriend always says, “If you don’t use it, you lose it,” and I’ve never understood that saying more than I do these days. I don’t feel stupid, but I feel like I’m not learning anything new — and imo, that is almost the same thing.
School was certainly not my favorite thing — I don’t exactly have fond memories of college, except for a few fun nights with my best friend. In the beginning of my college career, more than anything, being a student kind of felt like a chore, and I was constantly wondering if I’d made a huge mistake spending money to go there. Mostly, I just couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could start my ~real life~.
But I was in school for five years. (Okay, it was basically four, since I did take a full year off in the middle — but I was definitely still in a school-mindset during that time, and was committed to keeping up with my studies since I knew I’d be returning the following fall semester.) This means that for five years, I was used to spending every day in an intellectually stimulating environment. I knew that, above all other things I could count on in my life, every single day I’d step inside a few different classrooms, be challenged by multiple professors, and collaborate with dozens of students.
Although I never completely adjusted to the social aspect of being a student, and didn’t really find myself joining clubs or making tons of friends or having any real semblance of a social life (something I take full responsibility for, because I was just such an anxious asshole), I eventually fell in love with learning. Homework sucked. 8 AM classes sucked. Having to work with people who suck sucked. Taking a political communication class during the semester that Trump was elected sucked. But knowing after every sucky day that I’d get to go back tomorrow and learn something new made it all worth it. I was excited to get new textbooks
These days, although I’m challenged by what I do day-to-day, I feel like I’ve lost the fire I once had to learn new things. I feel like I’m doing things, and I’m definitely drawing upon the information I gathered during my time as a student — but I feel like the learning has come to a halt, and it is such a weird feeling.
I don’t know if many other recent post-grads have a post-grad-crisis like I am — I’d assume it is fairly regular, unless you’re being launched into a career that is entirely new for you, and every day feels fresh and new. But I’ve essentially been doing the same type of work since before graduation, and although the money got better once I graduated and I had more time to dedicate to it, it almost feels like my life has hardly changed professionally, but all of the learning that I loved so much was yanked out from under me.
I’m trying to find a way to remedy this. I’m downloading and listening to podcasts on subjects that I know nothing about, peeking at the textbooks from school that I didn’t sell because I actually enjoyed the subject matter and trying to see what new things I can teach myself from them, picking my boyfriend’s brain essentially every few minutes asking him to answer science-related questions I have about the world, and even considering auditing classes, or maybe looking into grad school (although I’m not sure if I’m into that financially, or whether or not it would actually be a good career opportunity for me).
It has been sort of a shock to my (very delicate) system going quickly from a way of life that involved so much interaction with professors, so much working and collaborating with other eager-to-learn students, and so much new and exciting information, to a life where I’m comfortable and settled and always working, but not being actively intellectually stimulated on a daily basis.
However, in all of this, there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, and it is kind of a relief to have realized this: I do love learning. I love it so much that I miss the amount of it I did while I was in school (something freshman-in-college Mary would have never expected to feel five years later). I do still have those qualities that college-me had, and although I’m not doing homework in a dorm room while listening to Bright Eyes on vinyl, I’m going to keep learning — whatever I can, in whatever way I can — every day in my post-grad life.
Mary writes every day for TFD, and tweets every day for her own personal fulfillment. Talk to her about money and life at mary@thefinancialdiet.com!
Image via Unsplash
