Essays & Confessions

13 Thoughts I Have Whenever I Go To Brunch That Are Just Too Real

By | Monday, October 13, 2014


1. “This time, I’m not going to go somewhere expensive. I’m just going to get a coffee and some scrambled eggs, and I’ll get out for, like, 15 bucks. I’m just going to see a friend, I’m not even that hungry. I don’t need to put myself in debt for the luxury of eating a meal at 11:30 on a Sunday.”

2. “Well, I’ve been wanting to try that one place tho, let’s just do it. It’s kind of expensive, but it’s Sunday morning-ish and I left the house so I deserve it. 17 dollars for eggs benedict isn’t that bad.”

3. “There is a forty-five minute wait for two people. No fucking way am I waiting forty-five minutes for two people — we can go literally anywhere else in the city.”

4. “At the same time tho, we’re already here, and I don’t feel like taking out my phone to Yelp a bunch of other places in the neighborhood. Let’s just wait, I’m not a quitter.”

5. “Everyone else waiting for a table is an asshole. I am the only person in this line who is not an asshole, everyone should go home and let me have a table sooner. That guy is wearing sunglasses indoors, and his girlfriend is wearing one of those long fur vests with high boots like she is at Coachella. I don’t want to eat near these people.”

6. “Oh, good! A table, and an incredibly surly waiter. Let’s not upset him further by making our orders too complicated.”

7. “Oh! They have Old Bay bloody marys. I should get one. Just one, though, I don’t want to come out of here drunk. I can’t be drunk at 2:30 on a Sunday again, I have errands to run.”

8. “I’ll have a bloody mary and a coffee and the eggs benedict. And maybe something sweet to balance it out. Those pancakes look really good — does anyone want to share a plate of pancakes?”

9. “I have consumed four cups of liquid before eating, and therefore am too full and slightly drunk to eat most of my food. Time to balance it out with seven more cups of limitless coffee, because I cannot pace myself if someone is offering me more of something.”

10. “I might as well have another bloody mary, fuck it, I want to be drunk to go get my dry cleaning.”

11. “Wow, I’m really tired, I think I’m just going to go home and nap for a little bit.”

12. “Cool! With tip, my bill comes to 48 dollars. That was a reasonable amount of money to spend before the sun is highest in the sky on the traditional Day of Rest.”

13. “Why do I never have any money?”

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