Essays & Confessions

A Few Dozen Indisputable Truths I’ve Learned About Life In My 30s

By | Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Turning thirty was no surprise to many, but some of us still struggle. I got you. Here are a bajillion tiny little facts no one tells you about turning thirty. Share, comment, add your own.

1. You ain’t got no friends.

2. You go to the bathroom. Shower. You have to go to the bathroom again.

3. Your “monthly gift” is heavier and crampier. It’s as if your body is cursing you for not being pregos.

4. Everyone has a baby. (See #3)

5. Everyone has a husband.

6. You know what pet daycare is.

7. You have pet insurance.

8. As it turns out, you didn’t change the world nor are you the change you want to see in the world. Yes, your college essay was a lie.

9. Work is a time-suck. Joie de vivre… What’s that?

10. Everything aches. Some new body part each week breaks down.

11. Sometimes when you sneeze or cough it ends up being a kegel exercise.

12. You stop losing weight without trying.

13. No more birthday parties.

14. Your family/life/friends/ the humans require a lot more effort to tolerate.

15. You comparison shop for car insurance.

16. You know what escrow is.

17. You pay people to do things you used to do for free:

  • Pet care
  • Childcare
  • Haircare
  • Waxing
  • Nails
  • Food delivery (e.g. groceries and take-out)
  • Car care

18. You know what matcha is.

19. You’ve been a victim of petty larceny (e.g. stolen phone, credit card theft, hidden fees, unbundled cable, lunch from work fridge).

20. You’ve worked 2 jobs and at one point called it a side hustle, passion project, or moonlighting.

21. You know at least 2 people in your peer group that have married and are now divorced.

22. You have more than 1 bank or financial institution.

23. You’ve been hacked (e.g. email, Facebook, some online account).

24. You don’t have a landline and haven’t for at least 15 years.

25. You haven’t written a check in at least 6 months.

26. You’ve made the life-changing decision to become something called a cord-cutter.

27. You’ve used the phrase food-porn. (That’s not a thing.)

28. You’ve professed your love to coffee. And tried to quit cold turkey.

29. You’ve used some sort of digestive aid in the last year.

30. You refuse to admit you’ve signed up for at least 2 dating apps.

31. You’ve quit at least one job because of a co-worker.

32. You moved away for a new adventure only to move back to be closer to home.

33. After your friend did it, you went ahead and got Lasik too.

34. You’re on your second car.

35. For vanity’s sake, you eat ice cream in a cup instead of a cone.

36. You’ve paid $6 for a cupcake or doughnut and swore it was worth it! (Lies.)

37. Your trendy friend tried to live abroad but soon returned to the luxuriously convenient life that is #America.

38. Someone in your friend group (see #37) has traveled to Chiang Mai or Reykjavik.

39. Last year, you went on a family cruise with your parents.

40. You’ve been to a chiropractor.

41. You watched Meg Jay’s Ted Talk “Why 30 is not the new 20” and were inspired for like a minute. Then you went back to your regularly scheduled binge watch du jour.

42. You can no longer eat cookies before bed or eat tomato sauce 3 days in a row or have some other odd food restriction.

43. You now get carsick, airsick, or seasick when you didn’t before.

44. You require some sort of accommodation at work just to do your job (e.g. wrist guard, backrest, butt cushion, insoles, sit-to-stand desk, back brace, aspirin).

45. Lastly, you’ve imagined all of the wonderful things you’ll be doing with your life after leaving the workforce, but now you know you’ll likely be too old and haggard to follow through.  (Follow/ Like/ Subscribe to My Early Retirement Journey to get tips and support on how to not make this your life.) 

A single 30-something actively trying to leave the workforce on her own terms and figure out what exactly to do with her life. Blogging about being the last remaining single 30-something’s journey to early retirement at My Early Retirement Journey

Image via Unsplash

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