A 5-Step Guide To Kicking Ass In Any Job Interview

You have a job interview! Now what?

Well, for one thing, you need to dress the part. You also need to be prepared to answer the dreaded salary question. And of course, you have to get ready to negotiate for your life.

But you’re not done yet. Don’t you dare go into that interview without first doing your goddamn homework. Here are your assignments:

1. Research the Position

Well before your job interview, you need to research the job itself. Not just at this company, but at competing companies as well.

What are some of the skills you’ll need to perform this job? How do others succeed at the job? What tools should you be familiar with? What kind of hours are you expected to work?

You need to know the answers to these questions so you won’t be blindsided during the job interview. If you sound like you know how to do the thing, you’ll automatically stand out above everyone who says, “I don’t know how to do the thing yet but I can learn!” Optics are like 30% of your grade, after all.

Know someone else who does this job? Ask them to walk you through a day in the life of a corporate drone/retail worker/international crime lord. What better way to understand what will be expected of you while negotiating a clandestine arms deal with a rival syndicate?

2. Research the Company

At the very least, read the company’s website. Google the company’s name and see what news articles pop up.

Go through their cranky Yelp reviews. Check out their products and familiarize yourself with their new ad campaign. Have they recently been covered in the news? Was it favorable coverage or negative coverage?

You want to be prepared to answer the question “What do you have to offer this organization?” with specifics. And understanding their strengths, weaknesses, current goals, and customers is a great way to formulate that answer ahead of time.

Be prepared to compliment them on their business (“I was really impressed by how you recently evaded capture by the FBI by bribing a federal judge!”) and identify areas for improvement (“Have you considered branching out into the lucrative market of bootleg Russian nesting dolls?”).

3. Research the Industry

News? Trends? Hot topics? New regulations? What are their competitors up to? What new technology is affecting how they do business? Is a new tariff affecting their illicit importing activities? Has a turf war between rival gangs destabilized the market?

During the job interview, you want to prove that you’re not just in it to find any job. You’re looking for an opportunity to do this job at this company in this industry because you’re interested in it. You care about it, you’re knowledgeable about it, and its culture aligns with your own values.

Your potential employer will be impressed with your background knowledge and relieved to know you can hit the ground running without needing a crash course on the industry.

4. Come Up With a 6-Month Plan

What is it going to take for you to be successful in your first six months working at this job? What are you going to do in that time to quickly familiarize yourself with the business? How are you going to identify problems and inefficiencies and come up with solutions to fix them? How are you going to implement a strategy for fulfilling the company’s mission?

I realize I was just a “synergy” away from a swirling black hole of corporate-babble, but stay with me here.

Answering each of these questions for yourself will help you to create a formal plan for your first six months on the job. Even if it’s not appropriate to have this six-month plan with you on paper during the interview, memorize it. It will impress the hell out of your potential employer if you show up and demonstrate that you know the answers to these questions for yourself.

Just be sure not to give too much away in the job interview. You don’t want your potential boss to steal your plan for undermining their rival crime lords with a classic bait-and-switch and leave you…still unemployed.

5. Conquer

Armed with your encyclopedic knowledge of the industry, the company, the position, and your first six months, you’re now ready to tackle that job interview like [insert football joke here…fuck if I know, man].

Don your full battle armor, hold your head up high, and prepare to conquer.

You should approach this interview with all the assurance of a Westerosi queen who has just murdered the last of her enemies. Or at least, the unearned confidence of a mediocre white man in corporate America.

But remember to temper your confidence with humility and genuine, earnest enthusiasm and friendliness. For just as you don’t want to look nervous and shy, you also don’t want to come off cocky or insufferably all-knowing. Leave room for your natural competence, brilliance, and congeniality to shine through!

And if all else fails, be prepared to sell them the secrets of a rival crime ring.

Kitty and Piggy are head bitches in charge of Bitches Get Riches, a blog about finance, feminism, and fresh af RuPaul gifs. Sometimes they write about guinea pigs and video games. You can follow them on Twitter and Tumblr.

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